12. Life

In early 1996, around the start of Year 9 and turning 14 years old, I knew deep down that things in my life were never going to be the same. I had lost my free-living sense of innocence within myself as a person, convinced that I was an outcast with serious issues. From what started out initially as a sense of jealousy and interest, was beginning to turn into an obsession.

The day you wake up and realise you are different from everyone is a very scary thought for a teenager. Despite how good your family and friends are, the sense of loneliness and secrecy in your personal life is enough to drive you to independence and isolation. It can tear you to pieces because it never goes away. It can grab at your every thought and even affect the freedom of your breathing.

I knew I was gay and it was affecting me in more ways than only a gay person can imagine. My major concern at 14, was that I was not willing to accept it. I was one of the school sports stars, fit and very masculine in the way I spoke and acted. Maybe it was just a phase I was going through. I was not going to accept it as a reality. It simply couldn’t happen to me – could it?

I reacted in a way that only someone in denial would react. There was a girl at school named Melissa that I liked as a friend of mine. I had to test myself out and try to be-friend her as a girlfriend. I had never had a girlfriend before. I hadn’t even kissed a girl. Melissa was someone who I liked a lot deep down. Whether there was an intimate connection or not was the answer I needed to know. I had to be certain that I would feel comfortable in a relationship with a woman.

This ended up somewhat of a success because apparently Melissa had the hots for me! Woo Hoo! Here was my chance! We went to the movies once or twice, kissed a few times and I even went over to her house. I was actually good friends with her mother who happened to be a champion netball player. The problem I had was that all of this intimacy and interaction gave me nothing. I felt uncomfortable and disinterested. My urges and hormones were flowing, but not for Melissa – not for any female for that matter.

I went into my shell as a human through Year 9 at school. I focused even more on my school work and bowls than ever before. I was doing everything I could to distract myself from even thinking about it. But it wouldn’t go away. It was never going away.

I don’t have to draw a picture for everyone to see, but a teenager has urges and feelings that need relief. All I could think about was things I didn’t want to think about. I was often grossing myself out to the point of throwing up and being physically ill. Being in denial about who you are is a great way to make yourself sick. It is a way to affect you mentally as well as physically.

Why did life have to deal me this card? Why would I have to put up with being a gay person? I wasn’t made to function like this or to live like this. I was abnormal. It was like I was the only gay person in the world. I felt totally alone and had absolutely no idea what to do. I thought about getting help or advice, but I was so embarrassed by what I knew that I couldn’t tell a sole. No, let me re-phrase that – I wouldn’t dare tell a sole! I was prepared at that point in time to live in denial and pretend to be the same as everybody else.

Days would pass and my urges and feelings would only get stronger. I would pray, cry and plead to any spirit that would listen. I couldn’t live like this. You wouldn’t wish this on your worst enemy. It can break the spirit and strength of the strongest person you know.

The thing I was most cut about was that I had no choice in the matter. I was born this way and wasn’t able to change it. I would have given a leg or arm to be a straight person, to have an interest in women. It’s scary what goes through your head.

I wouldn’t say that I was ever suicidal about the issue, but thoughts of this nature crossed my mind everyday. The millennium was approaching and I was hoping when it came, the world would end and I could take my secret to the grave. I was a real pussy. I wanted things to end, but I never had the guts to do anything about it. You get one life, and my life was in essence, lost to the fact I was gay.

It didn’t take long before I gave in to my thoughts. It was not like I accepted the matter, but I was too tired to fight it any longer. Being as weak as I was inside, I knew that if I wasn’t willing to give in to “the devil” that my life would never progress to anything.

My theory was simple. Keep my private life to myself and never talk about the issue. Despite how much it built up to talk about it, I was going to keep it a secret until I was absolutely ready to make it public. I needed to grow up and be educated on the issue before I came to any stupid short-term conclusions. This was probably the most sensible thing I ever did as a teenager. Definitely the most mature decision I made.

No one at school really caught my eye as being attractive. I was more interested in AFL footballers and Australian Cricketers. I could watch footy and cricket (very straight things) and please two of the most hungry cravings I had – sport and good looking men! It was a good way to satisfy urges from both areas without ever making it obvious let alone cross the minds of anyone who knew me.

I always believe that the bottling up of this issue was the reason I fell ill in my early 20’s – and man did I get seriously ill! But the time between 14 and 22 was most probably the greatest time of my life, or so it appeared. I was a confident, arrogant, dedicated and flamboyant learner and sports player. I knew I was smart and I knew I was a natural with any sport I played. By placing my focus on the things I loved, I believed the issue would take care of itself down the track. Right now, I had to keep doing the things I loved – learning, kicking the footy, playing lawn bowls, writing, playing keyboard and watching the TV. I was putting on the greatest acting performance of all time. If my life was a movie, I would win the best actor Oscar as the only nominee.

The issue is much more accepted today than it was in 1996. I can only imagine what it must have been like back in the 70’s, 80’s and even earlier. I wonder how these people got through their lives.

It is sad to know that one of the biggest causes of suicide is homosexuality. But trust me. I have been there and I know how it feels. There is not a thing in the world that can bring a smile to your face. Life as you know it is over. I can only advise sufferers that eventually, things do get better. You learn more about the subject on statistics and reality. You are not as alone as you think you are! There are people who care about you and your battles. You will learn to accept that this is who you are and life really isn’t all about sexuality and labels. It might not happen straight away, but eventually you will come around. You only get one life, so you damn well better make the most of it.

After all, it is a hell of a lot better than the alternative of not living.